If you watch videos on YouTube on a Playstation or a mobile device, or for whatever reason you don't use adblocker, chances are you may have seen this advert. It's called 'When It's On It's On' and it is truly one of the most awful things I've ever seen.
"What do you think guys think about condoms?"
"Sometimes guys can be offended if you ask them to wear a condom."
"It doesn't feel as nice."
"Are you curious about what you think guys might actually say about this?"
Okay, so despite the fact that we already know what guys actually say, given that the girls just TOLD US, based on their REAL LIFE experiences outside of CONDOM COMMERCIALS, we are now seemingly about to bear witness to some sort of previously unseen, magical portal of Guy knowledge, via the ever-popular medium of unauthorised spying. Let's see what the guys think! *clasps hands together excitedly*
"Can I show you something?"
Is it a condom? Please don't show me a condom.
Oh, no, it's a two-way mirror. You know, the sort you see in police interrogation rooms or illegal sex dungeons. And behind it is a bunch of sexy guys who are going to talk to us about condoms. Sorry, I got that wrong actually, they aren't going to talk to us, they're going to talk to each other and we're going to spy on them.
Once inside we see all sorts of fit lads. Sexy European lads with massive biceps, an endearing interracial gay couple, and an incredibly menacing black guy.
"How do you feel about a girl who suggests using a condom?", bellows a surprisingly hard-to-place accent.
This is the moment we've all been waiting for, how do they feel?
"I think it shows confidence, for me it's attractive." - The girls are shocked.
"It's confident." - Wow.
"I say she's more sexy!" - OMG! He thinks it's sexy!
|These guys even wear condoms when they're fucking each other's mouths.|
We then cut back to a girl with what a like to call a "pooey nostrils" face, and she says:
"I would have never dreamed that guys would have found it... sexy?"
|Don't worry, I feel the same way.|
She looks horrified and confused, as if she's just heard about Jimmy Savile's heinous sex crimes for the first time. This is probably one of the only genuine moments in the advert, because the reality is that guys don't find condoms sexy unless they're fucking mental. I can understand them propagating the idea that it's okay to wear condoms, or even that you should insist on your partner using one, but the notion that it's sexy?? Really? Sexy??? If somebody genuinely finds condoms sexy then they most likely have some kind of obscure and incredibly convenient fetish.
Condoms are like crying yourself to sleep every night: a grim reality that people outside of long-term relationships just have to accept. They're gross, they feel like shit unless you're about 14 years old, and they couldn't be further away from the feeling of a real vagina. They're just dreadful and it's depressing that they're a necessity for so many people.
Supposedly Bill Gates has invented the world's thinnest condom, and he thinks it's going to revolutionise protected sex. Personally I think that's the wrong way to go, instead what we should be doing is making them thicker and kitting them out with all sorts of gadgets to stimulate your cock. You'd probably be better off lubing up a fleshlight and ramming it inside there because no matter how thin you make a condom, you still aren't going to be able to somehow magically feel the pussy through rubber. You could get the same feeling by having sex with a duvet or a sofa (trust me.)
|This sassy little bitch walked right off the set of an alt-hipster version of Tracy Beaker because she was desperate to hear what paid actors are told to say they think when girls ask them to wear condoms.|
Oh, and if you can stomach it there's a full 2 and a half minute version at the bottom here, but I really don't recommend it. It was simply too painful for me to try to dissect it, so I stuck with the mercifully concise version.