Thursday, 3 July 2014

A Guide to TV & Film The 21st Century

Do you feel left out at work when people at work talk about all the latest TV shows and you don't even know what they are? It's pretty hard to keep up so I've compiled a handy list of all the most culturally relevant things on TV for you to watch.



TV Shows: 

Homeland - First up is Homeland, in which Damien Lewis' character wakes up in Afghanistan with amnesia and tries to figure out whether or not he is gay. It's pretty good but also sort of shit too. Sometimes his family are really boring and so are his weird government friends.

The Walking Dead - Kind of like a soap opera but with zombies (zombies are very in right now but I'm not sure if this is irony or not.) Sometimes the characters just sit around talking complete shit for a whole hour and nothing really happens. Occasionally bad actors in underwhelming zombie gear turn up and start grring at people and biting them on the shoulder. All the main characters are shit.

Game of Thrones - Sort of like Lord of the Rings except with midgets instead of dwarves. 

Breaking Bad - Hal from Malcolm in the Middle and his retarded son take on Mexican bandits in this balls to the wall adventure. There's lots of violence but there's also an educational chemistry section in each episode so you might want to check it out yourself before deciding whether or not it's family friendly.

The Only Way is Essex/Made in Chelsea/Jersey Boys 4/Real Life Scousers - I'm not entirely sure what these shows are or why the men look like that but it's all pretty popular right now. I think it's meant to be a reality show but then they start using these weird catchphrases and comebacks that aren't particularly witty or funny but are too quick for self-tan lads and date-rape muscle guys to come up with. Sometimes the girls have fights but usually they're pretty shit, and watching the sex scenes somehow feels much grubbier than watching actual porn.

The Sopranos - Mark my words. This is going to be huge.

Orange is the New Black - This is one for the ladies, a comedy drama about a rich white lady that goes to proper prison. Not particularly good but also not that bad considering all of the main characters are women.

Hollyoaks - Young people love Hollyoaks. It's very in right now. Also a bonus for the 18+ viewers is the special late night Hollyoaks After Dark editions like Hollyoaks: No Turning Back, Hollyoaks: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, and my personal favourite, Hollyoaks: Rape Night.

Storage Wars/Big Boxes/Mystery Surprise/Airport Luggage Dopamine Release - A number of the most important and culturally relevant shows of today involve stuff like mystery boxes and bleach-blonde spiky hair fat guys with dirty t-shirts and weird sunglasses. What's in the old knife box they found in this dead person's private property? Knives? Surprise money? You'll have to wait until after the ads to see. I'm also not always sure if these shows are real but they are pretty good and contain lots of little mini-surprises and mysteries for you to lap up like a horrid little dog. My own idea for one of these shows, 'Tutankhamun Tomb Raiders Box Auction: What's In His Crypt?' has yet to be picked up and I am still open to any offers.

True Detective - Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson try to get to the bottom of what happened to Matthew McConaughey in his sixth-form philosophy class and why he is such an impossibly smug twat.

The Great British Bake-Off - Don't watch this if you are easily put off your food. Not only do the cakes always look like shit but there's an extremely old lady on it, far too old to be on TV. I like to watch cookery shows with dinner but not this one. I used to hate eating at my gran's house because her skin and general appearance would always put me off my food and this show is no different. Nobody is supposed to be that old.

Come Dine With Me - Although there is a winner at the end of each edition, this is basically a show about losers. Anti-social and abrasive wine-drunk mums talk over each other and interrupt sad looking chucklesome post-office widowers and depressed fathers over mediocre dinners. That said, the people don't always have kids, and the ones that don't are usually the saddest and most annoying ones. I think the hormones released after you have kids level you out and make you less of a cunt so some of these people have missed out there and the dinner-party atmosphere suffers as a result. Occasionally somebody throws a glass of wine or shits themself but usually they just make really catty comments about each other and then pretend to make up on the third night. Essential viewing.

The World Cup - Okay this isn't a TV show but it's pretty good. Brazilian golden boy Neymar mostly seems to be the star of the show and he's quite good too. He sort of looks like a furry but one with a good body and healthy skin. They should dress him up like a little fox and make him the Brazil mascot.



Movies:

Grown Ups - Adam Sandler's greatest work to date and one of the finest and most emotionally resonant comedies to have ever graced our screens. A towering work of staggering genius propelled by a handful of excellent performances, most notably Kevin James, who is absolutely electrifying and utterly convincing from start to finish.

Gravity - A film about Sandra Bullock being trapped in space and being accused of being a sexist. George Clooney is also there but I don't think he's properly trapped in space, I think he can go back whenever he wants to but chooses not to because he likes it there.

Edge of Tomorrow - A student film about Edging.

Pacific Rim - Very similar to Edge of Tomorrow except the budget was bigger and it's about Rimming instead of Edging.

Django Unchained - An outrageous and unrestrained piece of highly-stylized satire. Quentin Tarantino complimented the satirical interpretation of the film in numerous TV appearances by acting like a complete twat and leading people to wonder whether or not he was serious.

12 Years a Slave - A "Be careful what you wish for!" film about a black guy that is granted one wish by a genie and foolishly chooses time travel. The condition of being granted this wish is that he has to go back to 1841 as a slave and stay there for 12 years. There are laughs, thrills, and some sad moments too, but mostly it's too hard to feel involved or to care about the characters for this to be a real classic. 7/10 from me.

Grown Ups 2 - Probably the best sequel of all time but still not up to par with the original. David Spade crushes it in this one though.

Lincoln - You know that feeling you get in an argument where you get all worked up and your voice starts going all strained and high pitched and it feels good and you aren't really angry anymore but you don't want to stop? Lincoln is a film about Daniel Day-Lewis' character Abraham Lincoln, an American politician from the olden days, going through that exact experience on a number of occasions. Most of his friends are straight up boring so he sometimes does weird voices and stuff to stay sane during their shit meetings. He doesn't really care for black people much but he likes them more than most of his homies do.

Captain Phillips - A Harry Brown style drama in which Tom Hanks plays a retired army captain that gets sick of all the black guys in his neighbourhood and takes matters into his own hands. Midway through the movie they kidnap him and he has to fight his way off a boat. Not particularly realistic and a little bit racist but quite good fun all the same. 6/10 from me.



That's about all for now but soon I will be posting a list of some of the most groundbreaking and culturally relevant music of today.

Tuesday, 22 April 2014

Masterchef


Who do these fat ugly fools think they are? Hosting a fucking cookery competition... Jesus fucking Christ. What the bloody fuck is this world coming to?

I DON'T WANT THIS SHOW. I CAN'T AFFORD TO EAT THE WINNER'S COOKING. I WANT TO EAT THE WINNER'S COOKING. I WANT THE WINNER TO COOK FOR ME EVERY DAY. I WANT TO EAT MY WAY TO A PAY PACKET. I WANT THE MONEY TO GET FAT AND TASTE THE WINNER'S COOKING.

How dare those fucking clowns act like they're the WORLD EXPERTS ON FOOD? They're not the world experts on food, that's not even a real thing. I hate the way they rate the foods. It's like they're tasting things for me and telling me what to think and feel. I'm sat there trying to watch, and he's got all these opinions on the food. Hold your fucking horses you fat ugly cunt, I haven't fucking tasted it yet, have I? I'm probably not going to either because you aren't sharing. You're just stuffing it all in your big fat gob so that you can judge the cookery competition. WHO'S TO SAY YOUR TASTE IS THE SAME AS MINE? I MIGHT NOT HAVE LIKED IT, YOU DICK. OH SO IT WAS DELICIOUS? WELL THE ONLY TWO THINGS I LIKE ARE BISCUITS AND HAM, SO FUCK OFF. YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF MY TASTEBUDS.

A plate of food should NEVER look like something else. IF I'M EATING HAM I WANT TO KNOW THAT I'M EATING HAM. I don't want it to look like a plate full of snot, that's not appetising at all. It has to be appetising and it has to be ham. Also I have to taste it. You can't taste it and show me you tasting it and not let me taste it, that's not fair. I have to taste it.

WHAT IF YOUR TASTE ISN'T THE SAME AS MINE? JUST BECAUSE YOU SAY IT'S NICE, THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NICE. IT DOESN'T LOOK APPETISING AT ALL. WHO'S TO SAY YOU ARE THE WORLD EXPERT ON FOOD?

Show me something authentic, something I can afford. Show me a 10 minute video of me eating a ham sandwich really slowly and without judgement. Show me an endless loop of me taking a bite of a biscuit and saying "It's not for everyone!"

Saturday, 19 April 2014

Somebody Help



Here we go! Let's get this started! Ok let's clap haha they love it. I love clapping.

this song is ironic and fun i think

Only this one lady is dancing

bitch stop dancing you're making this worse

I'll try clapping again

Ok

shit.

think think think

umm

ok this song isnt working

back to the laptop and pretend im thinking of the next one

fuck they're all so silent and still

it's like theyre dead....

it's like I'm dead.

it's like time has stopped

i feel like im going to be stuck here forever

is this purgatory..?

look at their faces

I am in hell.

I want to piss so badly

i just want to go home and-

ok the songs changing, yes, this bit is sick, they're going to love it, ha!

ha! ok here we go

i love this job because i get to clap

fuck im sweating

i think this bit is actually going quite badly

i think maybe things are worse than before

how did i get here?

jesus christ.

ok just

..keep it together

keep dancing a bit

that annoying bitch has stopped dancing

i kind of wish she would dance again

nobody else is doing anything

it's hot in here.

ok some air horns

ha! love air horns

that was a great moment

new song now

ok im really into the music

dont worry about the people

just feel the music

another air horn

ha! i love air horns

im gonna do more in a min right before the sex on fire bit

people are leaving

shit

ok here we go

lets do it

ok the air horns haha

more of these

theyre gonna love it

here comes the drop!

Woaaahh haha!

Sex is on fire?? at a retirement home!

haha that's classic

love it

they werent expecting that lol

ah fuck shes dancing again

somebody stop her

everybody here is so old

nobody can stop her

nobody can stop me

i wish somebody would stop me

i want this to end

why did i do this

why is my life like this

why am i a dj?

what

Thursday, 17 April 2014

Soundcloud Cunts

Sickening.




look at this bitch

drinking tea and having an orange

who the fuck drinks tea and has an orange? that sounds disgusting

she's got an ipad too

and look how clean her table is

who's table is that clean? bitch

why is she smiling like that? fuck off out of my life bitch

i bet she rides a bike, ugh.

also Hanna is supposed to be spelt with a H at the end so that it's the same name in reverse

jesus christ what an unreasonable bitch








Tim... What can I say?

For starters, your hat is stupid, you know this already.

Why are there hats like that? Unnecessary and stupid.

it's rude to keep a bike indoors

your floors are gay

your painting is shit

the sofas ok i suppose but you are sitting on it and making a stupid face so i wouldnt sit on it

you are listening to TopDawgEntertainment and yet you aint never spent a day in the streets

you look like a soft ass nigga

i can see it in your eyes

you ain't real

the jig is up tim






look at this fucking clown

stop looking out the window

there's nothing to see there

you're not "people watching"

youre smiling like a fucking creep

take your earphones out and stop listening to stupid shit

the waitress is asking you to leave and you can't hear her because you have stupid shit in your ears

guess what, nobody needs you to repost the economist

stop making that shitty face, i hate you so much

"Mariam" is also nearly a palindrome, but you ruined it? what's wrong with "Maram", or "Mairiam"? both of those are much nicer than "Mariam"

fuck off out of my life cunt





Sara...

You're ok I suppose

your hair is shit but you probably think that sometimes too

it looks like a little boys haircut that wouldn't be fashionable even if you were a little boy

other than that you're ok

you look boring but that's fine, not everybody can be fun, there is always going to be really boring people and that's not really your fault

for a second I thought your name was "Safa" and I was about to get really pissed off

Sara is fine, although really it should have a H at the end





This cat looks pretty sinister, I respect that.

I don't really have a whole lot to say about him

I fuck with this dude. He is a lot cooler than all of his friends put together.







Hey Kristen Stewart, why are you in the woods by yourself and why are you making that stupid face?

nobody should have to touch their own head like that in the woods

it's leafy as fuck there

go home

your denim jacket is shit




What is this, a game of fucking twister?

Get up off the floor for god's sake

and stop grinning like that

there's nothing funny about grubbing around on the floor

your tattoos don't suit you because you look like a flake

i bet i could beat you in a fight


julia you shouldn't encourage him

also what is that, carrot juice?

that looks too dark to be orange juice

orange juice isn't that dark.

that's carrot juice

you fucking bitch.




Min Seo...

Mmm.. Min Seo is an ok name I suppose, although it sounds stupid if you say it all at once

Min Seo... MinSeo... Minseo... Minseo.

Minseo is rubbish and that's basically what your name is

not sure if you've realised but your jumper is horrid

it's sort of like that weird sailory type shit people wear, but it's actually worse because the stripes are thinner

not a good look for you dude

your laptop is either really small or you are just too big for an asian

there is no excuse for having that many books piled up, it's stupid

especially without a shelf

what if somebody let a dog in? it would be chaos

also what if theres a fire?

why don't you read some of those fucking books if you have so many?

try and read one

it's shit isn't it?

thats why youre on a laptop

so stop pretending to like books so much

you are a truly ridiculous person Min Seo.

Thursday, 6 February 2014

The Great War




Where to start? First off, you should NEVER masturbate, it's bad for the universe. You probably look incredibly stupid when you do it too. What you should do instead is walk around with a hard-on like a 14 year old all day, have wet dreams and get prostate cancer.

Secondly, if you're going to insist on masturbating like a horrid little grub, please always have respect for those around you and do it with the door open.

Next up in third, GO TO FUCKING CHURCH. MASTURBATING IS ONE THING BUT CHURCH?!?!? YOU LOVE TO GO TO CHURCH. GO TO THE CHURCH YOU FUCKING CUNT.

... You love church. You love our father who art in heaven. Staying home to masturbate? Really? I thought you were better than that. I think your mother did too. Think about that next time you have one of your dirty little wanks.

If any of my friends was wanking as much as you are (or even at all!) I would be having stern words with them...

"Look friend, we are all sinners. We all have troubles, but your masturbating has gotten out of hand. You're in there all day, with the door locked. I can never get in and look at you. I can never see how it looks while you do it. How am I supposed to help you if I don't see you doing it? Does science have an answer for that? Richard Hawkins? No, he doesn't. You need to at least open the door a bit when you do it so that I can help you with your troubles."

"I can't stop the wanking yet. I need just one more wank."

"I am here to guide you, brother. I can guide you, but only you can open the door.. I mean that as a metaphor but also I'd like you to start leaving your door open again. You did it that one time and I saw what you were doing in there, I came in and stuff but you got all awkward after that and haven't done it since."

"I've been wounded on the battlefield."

"Yeah."

"In our modern society the enemy has spread fear of getting involved when someone's in trouble."

"Yeah I'm gonna need you to start leaving your door open so I can watch."

"You mustn't speak up about what you have seen. Our modern society has created a stigma against that. You must not tell anybody."

"Well I won't see anything if you keep locking your door."

"I've been wounded on the battlefield."

"I need to see it again. Don't masturbate tonight, but if you do make sure you leave your door open. I will come by at about 8."

"I've been wounded on the battlefield."

"There is darkness in your eyes."

Wednesday, 22 January 2014

The Ally Way



A contemporary imagining of Hell:

You are held captive starved of food and water for days. Probably bum-raped too.

You are taken to a room where you are told that there will be refreshments and that things are going to change, you will be allowed to watch TV now. You won't be bum-raped anymore.

The tray of refreshments is brought in and the only food available is magic mushrooms.

You eat the entire bowl out of sheer desperation and then realise the mistake you've made.

You realise you are dehydrated and that this is not going to make things any better, you ask for your drink. You are given only ice cold Red Bull energy drinks and piping hot coffees.

You tell yourself that at least coffee has water in and will give you energy. You burn your mouth trying to drink it and spend the next ten minutes drinking red bull to try to soothe the burns.

You start to feel the magic mushrooms kick in and realise that they are probably kicking in so early because you took them on an empty stomach. In a caffeine and hunger enduced delirium you eat the next bowl of mushrooms, in an effort to solve the empty stomach problem.

You feel the universe start to shake, everything around you is rippling and shifting at a dizzying speed. Everything is spinning and you are beyond control. You are bum-raped again.

You hear a loud clunking sound and suddenly all the walls light up, you realise that the walls, floor and ceiling are all giant TV screens.

The TV screens begin playing The Ally Way at deafening volume, over and over and over again.

You are too far gone to remember how to close your eyes, you run around the room, crazed, shitting mushrooms and red bull down yourself for the rest of eternity.
 


 


 

 

For the rest of eternity.



Lose Yourself!

A deleted scene from V for Vendetta in which Jodie Foster dresses up as a pilgrim and performs Eminem's Lose Yourself:


6 Years Ago Today



"Ok, I think I got it. 3-4 letters of water, and not the ice water thing? And then mount the broom handle?"

"yes but you need to stop jacking of for about a week (7days)"

"And what about the ice water thing?"

"no dont do that. but stop 3 to 4 time right b4 u get an orgasm, trust me it just fells better."

"Are you sure?"

"yes, ur mom does it [if u have one], ur dad does it too [if u have one], ur brother and sisters too [if u have them]."

"I don't really like the sound of this anymore."

"mount it and then a way go have some fun and    w  a  n  k."

Thursday, 9 January 2014

Lesbian Cousin?



I am wearing goggles around my neck and it is Japan.


If you stare at these two things for long enough you can pretty much figure out what happened in the 30 years between them.

Wednesday, 8 January 2014

will.i.am.not.all.there

I've seen a number of will.i.am videos recently, thankfully none of which have been of his music, mostly just interviews, press conferences, tv appearances etc. All of which have lead me to the same question: What exactly is wrong with will.i.am?

Drugs? Anti-depressants? The pressures of fame? Could it be that he's just like that?

For the most part I can't even begin to understand what he's saying. Take this short clip for example:




The first 45 seconds or so seem reasonable enough; logos shouldn't be too big, logos should look nice, logos, your logo, put a logo on it, your logo should have it's own logo etc etc.

From there on things get a little bit weird. Apparently you have to think of what India is going to do to the world, and about how India is going to create this symbolic language. India is unique because they speak English but they have a different alphabet. Symbology and logos are going to play a big role in that. A new understanding of symbols will emerge.

It's hard to tell if he's talking complete shit about branding, or actually prophesizing some kind of seismic New World Order takeover type event.

Are you ready for the future of symbols?

Up next we have will.i.am at an Intel conference, baffling the shit out of everybody. He pretty much spends the best part of 6 minutes unpicking pubic hairs from a plughole in his brain and somehow still manages to get a fairly warm response. Watch the Intel lady putting on a smile and talking to him as if he is an actual human being from planet earth.


"Because you've never... y'know.. other than.. Mac... It's exciting the to come up with.. new... tools from the creators perspective, y'know... Wh-what would a device look like that's made to... make music, and share music, and have that connection one to many.. that hasn't been done from... y'know... the viewpoint, of the artist. And that's what's amazing this relationship is awesome to create products... or even attempt, this is, this is.. beyond... I love it."

y'know.

Yes, will.i.am, I do know. I know that you have no idea what you are talking about.

After causing the entire turnout of an Intel conference to forget what Intel actually is, and making us all at home question why we were put here on this earth and whether or not we will ever escape the multiverse, will.i.am turns his attention toward the world of Formula One racing.


He asks us to remember, or.. no, not even remember, imagine.. umm... Shoemaker, the... (shoe maker?)... car driver...  or or or... Lewis.... who drives for... Mercedes? Yes. When Lewis & Shoemaker drive around that track, they represent Mercedes. Well GUESS WHAT? will.i.am goes around a track too, it's called THE INTERNET. But people don't know he's driving an intel processor. That's the part most people don't know. We KNOW he's driving around a track called THE INTERNET, but we never realised that actually he was driving around it on an intel processor. Do you see now? Do you understand why he is here? If you can't understand this then I very much doubt you will be ready to join us in the Symbol World when the time comes. We are going to speak a new language, it will be English, but it will also be all Symbols. Symbology and logos and THE INTERNET are going to play a big role in that. A new understanding of symbols will emerge. Are you prepared? Are you ready? Are you ready to see how your brand changes into an ever-shifting inter-dimensional logo in the parralel world? Are you ready for SYMBOLS?

Ø«▲INDIA«▲¢¶▲Øwill.i.am«▲◊NWO○▲«▲●«Ø
SECRET ILLUMINATI PYRAMID NIPPLE SLIP
will.i.am? will.are.U?
▲¢¶will.r.u.ready.4.symbols.to.takeover.the.world??▲¢¶A«the.internetO¢¶wot.am.i ¢¶O○sYM¢b0ls▲india«A
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will.i.am.the.truthspeakers day shall cometh

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the day of symbols is upon us
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I'm Going To Do This Instead



"You know I couldn't fit this award in my bag but I did find this..."

You found a joint? But-

What?

Why? I don't understand.

Putting aside how unbelievably immature and embarrassing this is, it also makes no fucking sense whatsoever.

"I couldn't fit this award in my bag" - What? You were only just given the award and you put it on the floor. Why would you put it in your bag anyway? Why did you even bring your bag? Shutup.

"But I did find this" - What do you mean "but"? How is you taking a joint out of your bag a substitute for not putting an award in your bag? What do those two things have to do with each other? What on earth are you talking about? Shutup.

I cannot even begin to understand how she thought this would be cool. This is cool in the same way that it would be cool if I turned up at a bar with a leather jacket and started tipping my sunglasses at girls and winking.


Wednesday, 1 January 2014

Are You Geared Up? Yes Of Course?



Basically, people that have normal phones just go around dropping things all the time. I have a normal phone and it's sort of like being the antagonist character in a Disney Channel show. Every time I'm about to get the girl some sort of slapstick thing happens because I haven't got the right gear and I end up going home alone with a scowl on my face. I can never buy wine because it just doesn't work because of my phone.

This guy, on the other hand, is like fucking Batman. He can pretty much do whatever he wants because of this thing. He followed the lady all the way down the slope, took 64 pictures of her on his watch, and she didn't even mind! I'll have what he's having!

Newsflash lame-os, if you haven't got the right gear, you can forget about doing cool stuff like this when you're out with hot babes:


He can just leave it right there on the balcony, and he doesn't have to worry about somebody stealing it or knocking it over onto the ice cold snowy ski slopes below because he's geared the fuck up.



Nice work, Derren Brown.


In real life guys like this don't sleep with hot blonde European girls. In real life guys like this are overly-confident nerds. 

"Check out my phone watch, give me your number."
"No thanks, this other guy seems nicer and more fun. I think I'm going to hang out with him tonight because he seems more likely to fuck me properly. I think that's why he has a regular phone."
"Ok but I'm going to take a lot of pictures of you while you go down this slope."
"Please don't do that."
"Ok, I'm going to anyway."
"Please don't."
"Ok fine, I will. Go on, off you go, I'll be at the bar later with these pictures. I'm going to get us some wine and I won't drop it because if somebody rings me I can answer with my watch. I'm going to provide music for us on my watch-phone combo because most bars don't play music."
"Please don't come to the bar later."
"I'm going to. Have you seen my phone? It's also a watch, Ha!"
"I'm going now. Please don't follow me or I will tell the people at the lodge."
"You can tell them whatever you like, I have a watch that is also a phone. They are never going to believe you."