Thursday, 3 July 2014

A Guide to TV & Film The 21st Century

Do you feel left out at work when people at work talk about all the latest TV shows and you don't even know what they are? It's pretty hard to keep up so I've compiled a handy list of all the most culturally relevant things on TV for you to watch.



TV Shows: 

Homeland - First up is Homeland, in which Damien Lewis' character wakes up in Afghanistan with amnesia and tries to figure out whether or not he's gay. It's pretty good but also sort of shit too. Sometimes his family are really boring and so are his weird government friends.

The Walking Dead - Kind of like a soap opera but with zombies (zombies are very in right now - not sure if this is irony or not.) Sometimes the characters just sit around talking complete shit for a whole hour and nothing really happens, but occasionally bad actors in underwhelming zombie gear turn up and start grring at people and biting them on the shoulder. All the characters are shit.

Game of Thrones - Sort of like Lord of the Rings except with midgets instead of dwarves. 

Breaking Bad - Hal from Malcolm in the Middle and his retarded son take on Mexican bandits in this balls to the wall adventure. There's lots of violence but there's also an educational chemistry section in each episode so you might want to check it out yourself before deciding whether or not it's family friendly.

The Only Way is Essex/Made in Chelsea/Jersey Boys 4/Real Life Scousers - I'm not entirely sure what these shows are or why the men look like that but it's all pretty popular right now. I think it's meant to be a reality show but then they start using these weird catchphrases and comebacks that aren't particularly witty or funny but are too quick for self-tan lads and date-rape muscle guys to come up with. Sometimes the girls have fights but usually they're pretty shit, and watching the sex scenes somehow feels much grubbier than watching actual porn.

The Sopranos - Mark my words. This is going to be huge.

Orange is the New Black - This is one for the ladies, a comedy drama about a rich white girl that goes to proper prison. Not particularly good but also not that bad considering all of the main characters are women.

Hollyoaks - Young people love Hollyoaks. It's very in right now. Also a bonus for the 18+ viewers is the special late night Hollyoaks After Dark editions like Hollyoaks: No Turning Back, Hollyoaks: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, and my personal favourite, Hollyoaks: Rape Night.

Storage Wars/Big Boxes/Mystery Surprise/Airport Luggage Dopamine Release - A number of the most important and culturally relevant shows of today involve stuff like mystery boxes and spiky-hair fat guys with bowling shirts and weird sunglasses. What's in the old knife box they found in this dead person's private property? Knives? Surprise money? You'll have to wait until after the ads to see. I'm also not always sure if these shows are real but they are pretty good and contain lots of little mini-surprises and mysteries for you to lap up like a horrid little dog. My own idea for one of these shows, 'Tutankhamun Tomb Raiders Box Auction: What's In His Crypt?' has yet to be picked up and I am still open to any offers.

True Detective - Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson try to get to the bottom of what happened to Matthew McConaughey in his sixth-form philosophy class and why he is such an impossibly smug twat. Essential viewing.

The Great British Bake-Off - Don't watch this if you're easily put off your food. Not only do the cakes always look like shit but there's an extremely old lady on it, far too old to be on TV. I like to watch cookery shows with dinner but not this one. I used to hate eating at my gran's house because her skin and general appearance would always put me off my food and this show is no different. Nobody is supposed to be that old.

Come Dine With Me - Although there is a winner at the end of each edition, this is basically a show about losers. Anti-social and abrasive wine-drunk mums talk over each other and interrupt sad looking chucklesome post-office widowers and depressed fathers over mediocre dinners. That said, the people don't always have kids, and the ones that don't are usually the saddest and most annoying ones. I think the hormones released after you have kids level you out and make you less of a cunt so some of these people have missed out there and the dinner-party atmosphere suffers as a result. Occasionally somebody throws a glass of wine or shits themself but usually they just make really catty comments about each other and then pretend to make up on the third night. Essential viewing as well.

The World Cup - Okay this isn't a TV show but it's pretty good. Brazilian golden boy Neymar mostly seems to be the star of the show and he's quite good too. He sort of looks like a furry but one with a good body and healthy skin. They should dress him up like a little fox and make him the Brazil mascot.



Movies:

Grown Ups - Adam Sandler's greatest work to date and one of the finest and most emotionally resonant comedies to have ever graced our screens. A towering work of staggering genius propelled by a handful of excellent performances, most notably Kevin James, who is absolutely electrifying and utterly convincing from start to finish.

Gravity - A film about Sandra Bullock being trapped in space and being accused of being a sexist. George Clooney is also there but I don't think he's properly trapped in space, I think he can go back whenever he wants to but chooses not to because he likes it there.

Edge of Tomorrow - A student film about Edging.

Pacific Rim - Very similar to Edge of Tomorrow except the budget was bigger and it's about Rimming instead of Edging.

12 Years a Slave - A "Be careful what you wish for!" film about a black guy that is granted one wish by a genie and foolishly chooses time travel. The condition of being granted this wish is that he has to go back to 1841 as a slave and stay there for 12 years. There are laughs, thrills, and some sad moments too, but mostly it's too hard to feel involved or to care about the characters for this to be a real classic. 7/10 from me.

Grown Ups 2 - Probably the best sequel of all time but still not up to par with the original. David Spade crushes it in this one though.

Lincoln - You know that feeling you get in an argument where you get all worked up and your voice starts going all strained and high pitched and it feels good and you aren't really angry anymore but you don't want to stop? Lincoln is a film about Daniel Day-Lewis' character Abraham Lincoln, an American politician from the olden days, going through that exact experience on a number of occasions. Most of his friends are straight up boring so he sometimes does weird voices and stuff to stay sane during their shit meetings. He doesn't really care for black people much but he likes them more than most of his friends do.

Captain Phillips - A Harry Brown style drama in which Tom Hanks plays a retired army captain that gets sick of all the black guys in his neighbourhood and takes matters into his own hands. Midway through the movie they kidnap him and he has to fight his way off a boat. Not particularly realistic and a little bit racist but quite good fun all the same. 6/10 from me.



That's about all for now but soon I'll be posting a list of some of the most groundbreaking and culturally relevant music of today.

Friday, 16 May 2014

Videos That I Am Never Going To Watch 1

I watch quite a lot of YouTube videos, but thanks to YouTube's bad layout and worse suggestions, there are also a huge number of videos every day I am made aware of that I don't watch. Here are some I enjoyed not watching:


What could be more enjoyable on a Sunday than an obnoxious and abrasive tool doing a Q&A with his boring mum? Thanks for the suggestion YouTube.





The premise for this is impossibly shit. I hope nobody ever watches it.





 
 I am definitely not going to make the same mistake twice. Thanks anyway YouTube you horrid cunts.





 I didn't date any girls in college, I lost my virginity to a prostitute.





A Funny Montage of PewDiePie moments is like having a Sexy Pictures of Fatima Whitbread thread on a message board.





Well.




 Mmm, this is temping and all, given that it's the 10TH ANNIVERSARY! But I'm not going to watch it. Where were you when Mean Girls was released?





 I enjoyed the original so much, now I get to enjoy a parody too? Fantastic. It looks hilarious from the preview but I have a baby funeral to go to so I'm going to have to give this one a miss.






риготовитья не знаю что это такоебед??






Another hilarious looking parody song. We are so lucky to have so many hilarious parody music videos nowadays.






 Woah, ha! Bumper edition!! ?? Why is it so BIG???
Mostly because this video looks sooooooo awkward. Probably the most awkward gameplay video ever.






Again I feel like maybe I should have watched this one, mostly because I really enjoy watching irritating teenage boys overreacting to things that happen on FIFA.






The only farting going on is coming out of this guys mouth. Will never watch him again.






Fight Back..? Against what? Racial tolerance and good fashion sense? Black people? I'm sort of curious to find out but it's probably funnier if I don't watch it for the purposes of this post. Teehee.







How wonderful for you guys! How could anybody not want to watch this? Life is full of mysteries.






That's all. I look forward to not watching a lot more videos in the coming weeks and being a passive-aggressive cunt about it.

Friday, 25 April 2014

Tipping

Generally, unless I'm under an enormous amount of some kind of social pressure that I succumb to like a pathetic, dickless little squid-man, I don't tip. Explaining this to people tends make me feel like I'm explaining why I don't think people in Africa deserve fresh water and basic medical care just yet (although all jokes aside, those dirty little fuckers have done nothing to prove to me that they deserve it at this point. Why should you have fresh water or a place to live when all you do is sit around feeling sorry for yourself and looking sad on Oxfam adverts? If I made those faces nobody would speak to me.) This is what people think I am saying. In actual fact I'm very kind to Africans and every time I see one on the tube or the bus I offer him my seat and make sure everything is okay with him. After this I often follow him off when we get to his stop and make sure he uses his Oyster card correctly. If there's a local greengrocer or a market nearby I'll usually buy him some bags of fruit, because that's what they like to eat. If you are going to do this I would suggest mangos because they absolutely LOVE mangos.

Anyway, in regards to tipping, the general consensus seems to be that the debate is more or less over, and that tipping is just The Right Thing To Do. Anyone saying anything to the contrary is petty, cheap, or just a straight up selfish dick. We pretty much reached our peak with that scene in Reservoir Dogs that changed my life when I was 12. For those of you that haven't seen it, here is the full scene in Spanish:



Putting aside the fact that he sounds like the pre-recorded Spanish-speaking steward of questionable sexuality on the plane safety video, you know, the one in the gay suit that tells you to keep your trays down or risk getting stage 3 melanoma on your dick (at least that's what I always assume he's saying, I don't speak very good Spanish and I often get scared and put earplugs in halfway through because I can't tell if it's a warning or if he's threatening me), what Steve Buscemi is saying in this clip is completely correct. He doesn't say all of what I'm thinking, nor does he say none of it. He sits safely in that huge grey area along with Adolf Hitler and a host of others. Maybe I just think the autobahn was a very good idea that he put a lot of effort into, or maybe I think Jews are the cause of all the worlds problems and get really upset when black people win at The Olympics. Nobody will ever know.

With most jobs and staff and customers and face to face conversations and dealings and horrid real life every day things that make me want to become a Wu-Affiliate and cut off my own dick, the price for things is standard (at least in this part of the world), and the only additional currency exchanged on top of that is faces and voices and tones and dickhead remarks. For example, as a gardener, if my work was unsatisfactory, I would know because people would usually say incredibly douchey things and make incredibly douchey faces, and if it was satisfactory I would know because they would say absolutely nothing and not react to me any differently. This system isn't great, but it's preferable to a vaguely standardized, condescending cobbling together of coins for some self-pitying pisspants who would literally shit on your head if it would make their iPhone run slightly faster. As long as they didn't have to look at your stupid shitcunt face while they did it.

I'm not saying all waiters and waitresses and barstaff are bad people, I'm saying most people are bad people, and a waitress isn't your friend just because she smiles politely at you and you like her tits. For all you know she has sex with cats and beats her children. Obviously though it would be extremely unlikely that she would do those things if she was hot, and if she was hot you would probably forgive her a lot quicker for doing them because you're a disgusting little grub. You might even find the cats thing kind of a turn on. Anyway, who knows what these people are like behind their nice smiles and alarmingly well fitting around the arse black trousers? The terrifying reality is that none of us do.

This saucy little cunt doesn't do his recycling, do you still want to give him a tip?

I've seen enough people to know that you aren't neccesarily nice just because you smile at me and bring me salty food that makes me feel temporarily like everything is okay. I know your game. I've seen what people are like, I'm one of them, and I live next to loads of them, and I come from a whole family of them, and I've worked with them, and I see them in shops, and on the tube, and on TV all the time, and on the radio, and around the house, and out the window, and they're in the way when I try and buy things, and I have to look at them all the time and sometimes I think about just ending it all to be honest with you.

The tipping argument really makes no sense whatsoever. It basically hinges on "don't be a cheap fuck!", and the fact that not everybody is either me, or Jewish/Indian/Black/Polish. None of it makes any sense.

"You should tip because they usually only earn minimum wage!"

Hey, guess what cocksucker? Loads of people earn minimum wage, and most of them don't act like big fucking cry babies about it, they just do their shitty job and take their shitty pay and get spoken to like dogshit by everybody, the same way waiters and waitresses and barstaff do, except usually waiters and waitresses and barstaff don't manage to do it without shitting in their pants and crying in front of everybody about how people just don't understand and that they LIVE off tips. Oh, whoops, dangit I'm such an idiot, I'm so sorry you live off tips, please forgive me. While we're on the subject, recently I've been LIVING off of £50 notes from strangers, so I'm kind of gonna need you to give me a £50 note. I don't want it in change. I want a nice crisp £50 because that's what I've been LIVING OFF recently. I've gotten really used to buying the most expensive brand of olive oil and hiring mid-level escorts every day and I need you to fund it. Yes I know you have less money than me but I would like you to give me some anyway or else all these people will look at you like you're dirty. I've tried asking my work to pay me more but they won't so you have to instead.

"You should tip them because they're serving you!"

Whoops, my fault again, I didn't realise they were serving me. The thing is, the people at the game shop that listen to that stupid music all the time are providing a service, the people at BT provide a service (when they feel like it), people that drive buses and trains are providing a service (somehow cab drivers are providing a special kind of service more worthy of free money), people that fix my computer when I get jizz in the vents are providing a service, even the guy that hands out The Evening Standard is providing a service, and yet there is no inordinate amount of social pressure on me to give any of those people a tip. Some of them work for minimum wage too. I've worked for minimum wage for people before and never got tips. Maybe I should have made my tits more visible instead of hiding them and being embarrassed. Maybe then people would have realised I was serving them, and then they'd have put coins out on a little plate for me to pick up and stuff in my pocket like an entitled little grub.

The reality is that most of us don't have the money to tip everybody that from some perspective possibly deserves it to some small degree. If we were to do that we would never have any money, so instead it's a select few that we give tips to and use to feel good about ourselves. We're all just so great with staff, aren't we?

The only half plausible argument for tipping I have ever heard is that in some parts of America it's not always a requirement for people that recieve tips to get standard minimum wage, which is $7.50, instead it's usually at around $2.13, which sounds completely outrageous and unfair until you learn that they are only able to be paid less than minimum wage if the total amount they make including tips is at least the same as minimum wage. This tells you two things, one, that people make an absurd amount of money from tips on the hour, and two, that the people in the Amy's Baking Company episode of Kitchen Nightmares are really, really bad people. It also tells you that other than in extreme and extenuating circumstances, these people always make AT LEAST minimum wage. A lot of people earn minimum wage without the "at least", and with a lot less patting on the back from snotty grandstanding cunts who want to piss and moan at you about the plight of the people that pour coffee in the developed world for a living.

I found some of this out in a rather interesting article on the appropriately named website Jezebel.com. A blogger on there who is a lot less funny and interesting than me has a post named Fuck You if You Don't Tip Your Server (See? Already she's a lot less funny and interesting than me.) In the article, she humourlessly outlines the struggles of waitresses and waiters everywhere, and explains how you should never go to a restaurant if you can't afford it, because to do that and to not tip as a result is outrageous. Never mind the people who maybe also earn minimum wage without tips and would like to occasionally pretend to be like other people by going out for a nice meal on their birthday without being sneered at by feckless, self-important nobodies for not leaving a little offering at the end of the dinner in exchange for a person doing their job at hopefully at least a basic level of competence.

Anyway, there's some great stuff in this article, and by "great" I mean awful, trashy and condescending. Here's some corkers:

"If you can't afford to tip at least 18 percent, then you cannot afford to eat out, period."

Well, no, that's not necessarily true. There's a very pertinent whole 18 percent of the meal cost there that you're just sort of ignoring, you big dumb idiot.

"I'm not trying to beat you up for being poor."

You sort of are a bit though, aren't you? If we're really going to nitpick then I suppose you're trying to beat us up for not un-beating you up because your boss beats you up.

Because really that's the problem, shitty fucking bosses who don't pay people properly. Anybody who runs a succesful business and willingly pays somebody a flatrate of $2.13 an hour whilst asking already paying customers to cough up the rest of their staffs wages is a cunt, no two ways about it. Not only that, but most of these people would pay less than $2.13 if they could. They would pay you in beans if they could get away with it. Some of them probably started out waiting tables too, serving, whinging about how people that serve are so mistreated, and then they open their own restaurants and underpay their staff and ask the customers to cough up extra on top of the 1900% markup they pay on their shitty MSG filled plates of dogshit, contributing to the whole rotten cycle of shame and social pressure and cheapness. The real tight-arse cunts here are the people not paying their staff properly. The fact that they are allowed to not do that and that their customers habitually bail them out doesn't mean that they are any less shitty for doing so. Theoretically I am allowed to not tip, unless I go somewhere where they add it to the bill like a bunch of assuming cunts.

 She then posts a picture from a story published in Gawker recently, saying the following about it: "As Chelsea Welch, the waitress who was fired from Applebee's last week after posting a picture of a receipt, on which an idiot customer wrote "I give God 10%. Why do you get 18?" as her "tip," has spoken out in a new post for the Guardian:" It doesn't really take a genius to look at the picture and see that that's not what it says. Neither version of it really make any sense but the picture is literally right next to her sentence and you'd think she could have at least looked at it before writing about it.

Whoops.

You shouldn't have to clean up other people's mess and you shouldn't be shamed for not righting the wrongs of others every single time you go out to eat. There is literally no reason whatsoever why you have to tip except that everybody does it and you're a pussy and you don't want to look cheap. So few people don't tip that it's impossible to not tip without it seeming like some kind of act of aggression or a statement. I don't care though because it's not for me to correct somebody's sub-par packet, I have my own shit to worry about and dinner is usually expensive enough for my tastes in the first place. Here's a thought, pompous bloggers and entitled waiters and waitresses, how about ask your boss for some more money? How about get a new job? I understand those things aren't always possible but if they aren't it isn't my fault, and I shouldn't be blamed for it every time I pay £8.00 for a £0.50 dinner and shit service from smug pricks and leave without paying extra. The fact that there is a problem with the world does not immediately mean the blame has to fall to the most immediate available person whose face you just saw. There is no other area of work that has this bizarre standard, somehow it's a cultural meme that has only infected the world of "service".

If you're going to tip anybody it should be the people at Tesco Express that also earn minimum wage and have to spend all day standing in the same place, beeping things across a little scanny thing, saying hello to people and giving them prices, and looking at endless droves of gross, entitled, miserable people standing impatiently like pleasure-crazed Romans at an orgy queueing up to dip their penises in fondue cheese and have it licked off by small boys.

Tuesday, 22 April 2014

Masterchef


Who do these fat ugly fools think they are? Hosting a fucking cookery competition... Jesus fucking Christ. What the bloody fuck is this world coming to?

I DON'T WANT THIS SHOW. I CAN'T AFFORD TO EAT THE WINNER'S COOKING. I WANT TO EAT THE WINNER'S COOKING. I WANT THE WINNER TO COOK FOR ME EVERY DAY. I WANT TO EAT MY WAY TO A PAY PACKET. I WANT THE MONEY TO GET FAT AND TASTE THE WINNER'S COOKING.

How dare those clowns act like they're the WORLD EXPERTS ON FOOD? They're not the world experts on food, that's not even a real thing. I hate the way they rate the foods. It's like they're tasting things for me and telling me what to think and feel. I'm sat there trying to watch, and he's got all these opinions on the food. Hold your fucking horses you fat ugly cunt, I haven't fucking tasted it yet, have I? I'm probably not going to either because you aren't sharing. You're just stuffing it all in your big fat gob so that you can judge the cookery competition. WHO'S TO SAY YOUR TASTE IS THE SAME AS MINE? I MIGHT NOT HAVE LIKED IT, YOU DICK. OH SO IT WAS DELICIOUS? WELL THE ONLY TWO THINGS I LIKE ARE BISCUITS AND HAM, SO FUCK OFF. YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF MY TASTEBUDS.

A plate of food should NEVER look like something else. IF I'M EATING HAM I WANT TO KNOW THAT I'M EATING HAM. I don't want it to look like a plate full of snot, that's not appetising at all. It has to be appetising and it has to be ham. Also I have to taste it. You can't taste it and show me you tasting it and not let me taste it, that's not fair. I have to taste it.

WHAT IF YOUR TASTE ISN'T THE SAME AS MINE? JUST BECAUSE YOU SAY IT'S NICE, THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NICE. IT DOESN'T LOOK APPETISING AT ALL. WHO'S TO SAY YOU ARE THE WORLD EXPERT ON FOOD?

Show me something authentic that I can afford. Show me a 10 minute video of me eating a ham sandwich really slowly and without judgement. Show me an endless loop of me taking a bite of a biscuit and saying "It's not for everyone!"

Saturday, 19 April 2014

Somebody Help



Here we go! Let's get this started! Ok let's clap haha they love it. I love clapping.

this song is ironic and fun i think

Only this one lady is dancing

bitch stop dancing you're making this worse

I'll try clapping again

Ok

shit.

think think think

umm

ok this song isnt working

back to the laptop and pretend im thinking of the next one

fuck they're all so silent and still

it's like theyre dead....

it's like I'm dead.

it's like time has stopped

i feel like im going to be stuck here forever

is this purgatory..?

look at their faces

I am in hell.

I want to piss so badly

i just want to go home and-

ok the songs changing, yes, this bit is sick, they're going to love it, ha!

ha! ok here we go

i love this job because i get to clap

fuck im sweating

i think this bit is actually going quite badly

i think maybe things are worse than before

how did i get here?

jesus christ.

ok just

..keep it together

keep dancing a bit

that annoying bitch has stopped dancing

i kind of wish she would dance again

nobody else is doing anything

it's hot in here.

ok some air horns

ha! love air horns

that was a great moment

new song now

ok im really into the music

dont worry about the people

just feel the music

another air horn

ha! i love air horns

im gonna do more in a min right before the sex on fire bit

people are leaving

shit

ok here we go

lets do it

ok the air horns haha

more of these

theyre gonna love it

here comes the drop!

Woaaahh haha!

Sex is on fire?? at a retirement home!

haha that's classic

love it

they werent expecting that lol

ah fuck shes dancing again

somebody stop her

everybody here is so old

nobody can stop her

nobody can stop me

i wish somebody would stop me

i want this to end

why did i do this

why is my life like this

why am i a dj?

what

Thursday, 17 April 2014

Soundcloud Cunts

Sickening.




look at this bitch

drinking tea and having an orange

who the fuck drinks tea and has an orange? that sounds disgusting

she's got an ipad too

and look how clean her table is

who's table is that clean? bitch

why is she smiling like that? fuck off out of my life bitch

i bet she rides a bike, ugh.

also Hanna is supposed to be spelt with a H at the end so that it's the same name in reverse

jesus christ what an unreasonable bitch








Tim... What can I say?

For starters, your hat is stupid, you know this already.

Why are there hats like that? Unnecessary and stupid.

it's rude to keep a bike indoors

your floors are gay

your painting is shit

the sofas ok i suppose but you're sitting on it and making a stupid face so i wouldnt sit on it

you are listening to TopDawgEntertainment and yet you aint never spent a day in the streets

you look like a soft ass nigga

i can see it in your eyes

you ain't real

the jig is up tim






look at this fucking clown

stop looking out the window

there's nothing to see there

you're not "people watching"

youre smiling like a fucking creep

take your earphones out and stop listening to stupid shit

the waitress is asking you to leave and you can't hear her because you have stupid shit in your ears

guess what, nobody needs you to repost the economist

stop making that shitty face, i hate you so much

"Mariam" is also nearly a palindrome, but you ruined it? what's wrong with "Maram", or "Mairiam"? both of those are much nicer than "Mariam"

fuck off out of my life cunt





Sara...

You're ok I suppose

your hair is shit but you probably think that sometimes too

it looks like a little boys haircut that wouldn't be fashionable even if you were a little boy

other than that you're ok

you look boring but that's fine, not everybody can be fun, there is always going to be really boring people and that's not your fault

for a second I thought your name was "Safa" and I was about to get really pissed off

Sara is fine, although really it should have a H at the end





This cat looks pretty sinister, I respect that.

I don't really have a whole lot to say about him

I fuck with this dude. He is a lot cooler than all of his friends put together.







Hey Kristen Stewart, why are you in the woods by yourself and why are you making that stupid face?

nobody should have to touch their own head like that in the woods

it's leafy as fuck there

go home

your denim jacket is shit




What is this, a game of fucking twister?

Get up off the floor for god's sake

and stop grinning like that

there's nothing funny about grubbing around on the floor

your tattoos don't suit you because you look like a flake

i bet i could beat you in a fight


julia you shouldn't encourage him

also what is that, carrot juice?

that looks too dark to be orange juice

orange juice isn't that dark.

that's carrot juice

you fucking bitch.




Min Seo...

Mmm.. Min Seo is an ok name I suppose, although it sounds stupid if you say it all at once

Min Seo... MinSeo... Minseo... Minseo.

Minseo is rubbish and that's basically what your name is

not sure if you've realised but your jumper is horrid

it's sort of like that weird sailory type shit people wear, but it's actually worse because the stripes are thinner

not a good look for you dude

your laptop is either really small or you are just too big for an asian

there is no excuse for having that many books piled up, it's stupid

especially without a shelf

what if somebody let a dog in? it would be chaos

also what if theres a fire?

why don't you read some of those fucking books if you have so many?

try and read one

it's shit isn't it?

thats why youre on a laptop

so stop pretending to like books so much

you are a truly ridiculous person Min Seo.

Thursday, 6 February 2014

The Great War




Where to start? First off, you should NEVER masturbate, it's bad for the universe. You probably look incredibly stupid when you do it too. What you should do instead is walk around with a hard-on like a 14 year old all day, have wet dreams, and get prostate cancer.

Secondly, if you're going to insist on masturbating like a horrid little grub, please always have respect for those around you and do it with the door open.

Next up in third, GO TO FUCKING CHURCH. MASTURBATING IS ONE THING BUT CHURCH?!?!? YOU LOVE TO GO TO CHURCH. GO TO THE CHURCH YOU FUCKING CUNT.

... You love church. You love our father who art in heaven. Staying home to masturbate? Really? I thought you were better than that. I think your mother did too. Think about that next time you have one of your dirty little wanks.

If any of my friends was wanking as much as you are (or even at all!) I would be having stern words with them...

"Look friend, we are all sinners. We all have troubles, but your masturbating has gotten out of hand. You're in there all day, with the door locked. I can never get in and look at you. I can never see how it looks while you do it. How am I supposed to help you if I don't see you doing it? Does science have an answer for that? Richard Hawkins? No, he doesn't. You need to at least open the door a bit when you do it so that I can help you with your troubles."

"I can't stop the wanking yet. I need just one more wank."

"I am here to guide you, brother. I can guide you, but only you can open the door.. I mean that as a metaphor but also I'd like you to start leaving your door open again. You did it that one time and I saw what you were doing in there, I came in and stuff but you got all awkward after that and haven't done it since."

"I've been wounded on the battlefield."

"Yeah."

"In our modern society the enemy has spread fear of getting involved when someone's in trouble."

"Yeah I'm gonna need you to start leaving your door open so I can watch."

"You mustn't speak up about what you have seen. Our modern society has created a stigma against that. You must not tell anybody."

"Well I won't see anything if you keep locking your door."

"I've been wounded on the battlefield."

"I need to see it again. Don't masturbate tonight, but if you do make sure you leave your door open. I will come by at about 8."

"I've been wounded on the battlefield."

"There is darkness in your eyes."

Wednesday, 22 January 2014

The Ally Way



A contemporary imagining of Hell:

You are held captive starved of food and water for days. Probably bum-raped too.

You are taken to a room where you are told that there will be refreshments and that things are going to change, you will be allowed to watch TV now. You won't be bum-raped anymore.

The tray of refreshments is brought in and the only food available is psilocybin mushrooms.

You eat the entire bowl out of sheer desperation and then realise the mistake you've made.

You realise you're dehydrated and that this is not going to make things any better, you ask for your drink. You are given only ice cold Red Bull energy drinks and piping hot coffees.

You tell yourself that at least coffee has water in and will give you energy. You burn your mouth trying to drink it and spend the next ten minutes drinking red bull to try to soothe the burns.

You start to feel the magic mushrooms kick in and realise that they're probably kicking in so early because you took them on an empty stomach. In a caffeine and hunger enduced delirium you eat the next bowl of mushrooms, in an effort to solve the empty stomach problem.

You feel the universe start to shake, everything around you is rippling and shifting at a dizzying speed. Everything is spinning and you are beyond control. You are bum-raped again.

You hear a loud clunking sound and suddenly all the walls light up, you realise that the walls, floor and ceiling are all giant TV screens.

The TV screens begin playing The Ally Way at deafening volume, over and over and over again.

You are too far gone to remember how to close your eyes, you run around the room, crazed, shitting mushrooms and red bull down yourself for the rest of eternity.
 


 


 

 

For the rest of eternity.



Lose Yourself!

A deleted scene from V for Vendetta in which Jodie Foster dresses up as a pilgrim and performs Eminem's Lose Yourself:


Bodie Broadus and The FIFA Scripting Conspiracy

A few years ago I had a brief obsession with conspiracy theories, generally the more far-fetched the better. I started to become increasingly paranoid that FEMA (I still don't know what that stands for or what FEMA actually is) were going to start rounding people up and sending us to death camps as part of a global eugenics programme designed to eliminate large portions of society in order to free up space and resources for the elites. The idea, in my mind, was that they wanted to trim the fat of society so that Rupert Murdoch and Barack Obama and the Royal Family could live together on the world's remaining resources. Presumably once this was put into action they were going to get together and drink children's blood from cups made out of diamonds and give each other lizard blowjobs.

I'm too perpetually baffled by the world to ever really rule anything out entirely, but in retrospect I realise the lizard blowjobs part was probably taking it a bit far. I never used to let anything silly like proper research get in the way of one of my manic episodes of conspiracy fear, but to be honest had I done so I don't really think google searches for "WILL BARACK OBAMA AND THE ROYAL FAMILY GIVE EACH LIZARD BLOWJOBS AFTER I AM DEAD??" would have proved conclusive. The same is almost always the case with conspiracy theories.

Try googling "ALL CATS ARE AN EXTENSION OF GEORGE GALLOWAY'S MIND AND WHEN YOU PET YOUR CAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY SEXUALLY PLEASURING HIM"  and find out if it's true or not. You can't, because I just made it up (hopefully), and because there's no way of proving it. Even if George Galloway came out and said it, we would still never know for sure. I'm not saying that means conspiracy theories are all made up, what I'm saying is sometimes it's hard to tell, and it's hard to blame a brotha for being caught slippin' once in a while. Also I'm pretty sure Nelson Mandela was into a lot of the same conspiracy theories as me, which sort of tells you that me and him were on kind of on the same level in a way, but he's dead now so there is no way of finding out if this is true or not.

Think of this next time you touch your little puss.

Anyway, I have a new conspiracy theory now. For a long time I've been pretty obsessed with the FIFA games, I'd never really been into playing them online, and then recently I discovered Ultimate Team. My life was promptly put on hold and I started to became more and more like a living human fart. I've never been so obsessed with a game. I loved my team (Crisbz FC, the greatest football club in the world) like they were my family. In fact I loved them a lot more than my family. Together we won a lot of trophies in a very short period of time. Things were good, I was unbeatable.

The thing is though, when I started to lose, I didn't just lose a bit, I started losing hard. Hard like George Galloway's cock when you tickle behind your cats ears. I couldn't understand how I kept losing, I kept coming up with different reasons; I was too stoned, or I hadn't eaten enough that day, or it was lagging too much for me to play properly.

I started becoming even more suspicious and angry after one particularly bad game in which I was beaten by somebody who not only was clearly a much worse player than me, but who also had entered the game with a much worse team, and one whose average player stamina was about 40%, compared to mine who were all more or less on 100%. (For those that don't play FIFA, that makes a big difference.) Anyway, despite being completely nackered, his players were for the most part able to outrun mine and outshoot them. He had a few shots on target that all went in, I had about 20 that all either rocketed off the post or were saved by his suddenly world-class goalkeeper.

After this match I realised something was wrong. Almost every single time the ball was deflected or I made a tackle, it ended up landing perfectly at the feet of one of his in-space players. "THIS GAME IS RIGGED.", I kept yelling, completely aware of what a prick I sounded. "IT'S DEFINITELY RIGGED AND THEY WANT ME TO LOSE." By the time the final whistle went I was making what I can only imagine was a very similar face to the one made by the one of the vultures in the Jungle Book during the ending, where Shere Khan forces them to watch as he covers himself in mud violently sodomizes Mowgli for 10 minutes (pretty sure that happens, haven't seen Jungle Book in a while). It was a look of sheer disgust and outrage. How could they have done this to me? To my boys? To Crisbz? It was wrong and I would not stand for it.

A google search for "FIFA 13 Ultimate Team is RIGGED???" proved a little more successful than the lizard blowjob one (I tried it, nothing useful, just a bunch of boring factual stuff). There are a huge number of people that believe it to be a rigged, or "scripted" game. We're possibly all fairly bitter, and maybe somewhat in denial about our own abilities at FIFA and life in general, but the fact still stands that lots of people have noticed the same things. Players suddenly playing like shit, not being able to run, ball magnetism (pyramids???), losing against very poor teams, or just games seeming somehow pre-determined one way or another.

Given my track record with conspiracy theories, I'm aware that I should always proceed carefully and question these things, but after having researched it fairly thoroughly and thought about it a lot, I can say, with a great deal of confidence that FIFA scripting is definitely real. It's not really a question of if it exists or not, it's just a question of how it exists, and to what extent.

The game is free to play but you can buy FIFA points that will let you buy more players. The idea is that the game is scripted to throw games to weaker players (often children with no sense of what is and isn't worth spending money on, and access to their parents credit cards), so that they don't quit the game after being thrashed in every one of their first 10 games. Another theory is that after you've established yourself and become addicted, the game gradually gets more and more difficult so that you end up being tempted into buying FIFA points to get back to where you were. This seems plausible, I'm normally pretty uptight when it comes to paying for additional content on games, but until this whole scripting revelation came out I was seriously considering investing real life money (of which I have none) into my team to make us contenders again. At this point the game probably would have given me win after win, in order to encourage my recent spending. I'm sure EA Sports are pretty up on people's reward systems and what makes people do certain things.

I've never really been politically active, or as into "social justice" as I probably should be. Being apathetic is as much an excuse as it is a reality for me. I find it extremely difficult to care because there's just too much stuff, and also because mostly I just don't care. I think this is the case for a lot of people, and as a result we tend to only really care about things that in some way relate to us. I've never been on a protest, but if crisps and wanking were made illegal I'd probably be out marching with banners and face paint and everything. I say this by way of explaining that the only goings on in the world in the past few years that have really genuinely riled me up have been this FIFA thing and being arrested for weed. That probably tells you quite a lot about where I'm at right now.

Being a complete manchild, I found the whole thing pretty hard to deal with. I'd been obsessed with Crisbz. As cliched and self-pitying as it sounds, it was at that point pretty much my only form of escape from real life and my mountain of anxieties. Had I really been living a lie all this time? What about my wins? Were those real??? Was anything real? What if real life had scripting too? Maybe that's why sometimes taking a shit feels nice and sometimes it's horrible and scary. What was anger and fear soon turned into depression and acceptance. I became, in my mind, like the Bodie Broadus of FIFA, more specifically when he talks to McNulty at the park. I'm like Bodie in this scene in a number of ways, first of all because we are both extremely streetwise and well dressed, but also because we've both become disillusioned with our respective worlds and feel like things are unfair.



I still play Ultimate Team, but not as much. I certainly don't invest anywhere near the same level of emotion into it, which is probably a good thing. Things have changed for me now, I've started thinking about politics more. I hope to one day become President of the New World Order so that I can ban FIFA scripting, using FEMA as my personal army. I would also legalize weed and probably make some kind of free handjobs rule at doctor's offices.

6 Years Ago Today



"Ok, I think I got it. 3-4 letters of water, and not the ice water thing? And then mount the broom handle?"

"yes but you need to stop jacking of for about a week (7days)"

"And what about the ice water thing?"

"no dont do that. but stop 3 to 4 time right b4 u get an orgasm, trust me it just fells better."

"Are you sure?"

"yes, ur mom does it [if u have one], ur dad does it too [if u have one], ur brother and sisters too [if u have them]."

"I don't really like the sound of this anymore."

"mount it and then a way go have some fun and    w  a  n  k."

Thursday, 9 January 2014

Lesbian Cousin?



I am wearing goggles around my neck and it is Japan.


If you stare at these two things for long enough you can pretty much figure out what happened in the 30 years between them.

Wednesday, 8 January 2014

will.i.am

I've seen a number of will.i.am videos recently, thankfully none of which have been of his music, mostly just interviews, press conferences, tv appearances etc. All of which have lead me to the same question: What exactly is wrong with will.i.am?

Drugs? Anti-depressants? The pressures of fame? Could it be that he's just like that?

For the most part I can't even begin to understand what he's saying. Take this short clip for example:




The first 45 seconds or so seem reasonable enough; logos shouldn't be too big, logos should look nice, logos, your logo, put a logo on it, your logo should have it's own logo etc etc.

From there on things get a little bit weird. Apparently you have to think of what India is going to do to the world, and about how India is going to create this symbolic language. India is unique because they speak English but they have a different alphabet. Symbology and logos are going to play a big role in that. A new understanding of symbols will emerge.

It's hard to tell if he's talking complete shit about branding, or actually prophesizing some kind of seismic New World Order takeover type event.

Are you ready for the future of symbols?

Up next we have will.i.am at an Intel conference, baffling the shit out of everybody. He pretty much spends the best part of 6 minutes unpicking pubic hairs from a plughole in his brain and somehow still manages to get a fairly warm response. Watch the Intel lady putting on a smile and talking to him as if he is an actual human being from planet earth.


"Because you've never... y'know.. other than.. Mac... It's exciting the to come up with.. new... tools from the creators perspective, y'know... Wh-what would a device look like that's made to... make music, and share music, and have that connection one to many.. that hasn't been done from... y'know... the viewpoint, of the artist. And that's what's amazing this relationship is awesome to create products... or even attempt, this is, this is.. beyond... I love it."

y'know.

Yes, will.i.am, I do know. I know that you have no idea what you are talking about.

After causing the entire turnout of an Intel conference to forget what Intel actually is, and making us all at home question why we were put here on this earth and whether or not we will ever escape the multiverse, will.i.am turns his attention toward the world of Formula One racing.


He asks us to remember, or.. no, not even remember, imagine.. umm... Shoemaker, the... (shoe maker?)... car driver...  or or or... Lewis.... who drives for... Mercedes? Yes. When Lewis & Shoemaker drive around that track, they represent Mercedes. Well GUESS WHAT? will.i.am goes around a track too, it's called THE INTERNET. But people don't know he's driving an intel processor. That's the part most people don't know. We KNOW he's driving around a track called THE INTERNET, but we never realised that actually he was driving around it on an intel processor. Do you see now? Do you understand why he is here? If you can't understand this then I very much doubt you will be ready to join us in the Symbol World when the time comes. We are going to speak a new language, it will be English, but it will also be all Symbols. Symbology and logos and THE INTERNET are going to play a big role in that. A new understanding of symbols will emerge. Are you prepared? Are you ready? Are you ready to see how your brand changes into an ever-shifting inter-dimensional logo in the parralel world? Are you ready for SYMBOLS?

Ø«▲INDIA«▲¢¶▲Øwill.i.am«▲◊NWO○▲«▲●«Ø
SECRET ILLUMINATI PYRAMID NIPPLE SLIP
will.i.am? will.are.U?
▲¢¶will.r.u.ready.4.symbols.to.takeover.the.world??▲¢¶A«the.internetO¢¶wot.am.i ¢¶O○sYM¢b0ls▲india«A
¢¶IA«▲¢¶▲Øwm«▲◊WO○▲
will.i.am.the.truthspeakers day shall cometh

WO○▲
ll.i¢¶▲Øll.i¢ll.i¢ll.i¢ll.i¢ll.i¢ll.i¢ll.i¢
the day of symbols is upon us
ll.i¢
 

I'm Going To Do This Instead




"You know I couldn't fit this award in my bag but I did find this..."

You found a joint? But-

What?

Why? I don't understand.

Putting aside how unbelievably immature and embarrassing this is, it also makes no fucking sense whatsoever.

"I couldn't fit this award in my bag" - What? You were only just given the award and you put it on the floor. Why would you put it in your bag anyway? Why did you even bring your bag? Shutup.

"But I did find this" - What do you mean "but"? How is you taking a joint out of your bag a substitute for not putting an award in your bag? What do those two things have to do with each other? What on earth are you talking about? Shutup.

I cannot even begin to understand how she thought this would be cool. This is cool in the same way that it would be cool if I turned up at a bar with a leather jacket and started tipping my sunglasses at girls and winking.


Wednesday, 1 January 2014

Are You Geared Up? Yes Of Course?



Basically, people that have normal phones just go around dropping things all the time. I have a normal phone and it's sort of like being the antagonist character in a Disney Channel show. Every time I'm about to get the girl some sort of slapstick thing happens because I haven't got the right gear and I end up going home alone with a scowl on my face. I can never buy wine because it just doesn't work because of my phone.

This guy, on the other hand, is like fucking Batman. He can pretty much do whatever he wants because of this thing. He followed the lady all the way down the slope, took 64 pictures of her on his watch, and she didn't even mind! I'll have what he's having!

Newsflash lame-os, if you haven't got the right gear, you can forget about doing cool stuff like this when you're out with hot babes:


He can just leave it right there on the balcony, and he doesn't have to worry about somebody stealing it or knocking it over onto the ice cold snowy ski slopes below because he's geared the fuck up.



Nice work, Derren Brown.


In real life guys like this don't sleep with hot blonde European girls. In real life guys like this are overly-confident nerds. 

"Check out my phone watch, give me your number."
"No thanks, this other guy seems nicer and more fun. I think I'm going to hang out with him tonight because he seems more likely to fuck me properly. I think that's why he has a regular phone."
"Ok but I'm going to take a lot of pictures of you while you go down this slope."
"Please don't do that."
"Ok, I'm going to anyway."
"Please don't."
"Ok fine, I will. Go on, off you go, I'll be at the bar later with these pictures. I'm going to get us some wine and I won't drop it because if somebody rings me I can answer with my watch. I'm going to provide music for us on my watch-phone combo because most bars don't play music."
"Please don't come to the bar later."
"I'm going to. Have you seen my phone? It's also a watch, Ha!"
"I'm going now. Please don't follow me or I will tell the people at the lodge."
"You can tell them whatever you like, I have a watch that is also a phone. They are never going to believe you."