I'm too perpetually baffled by the world to ever really rule anything out entirely, but in retrospect I realise the lizard blowjobs part was probably taking it a bit far. I never used to let anything silly like proper research get in the way of one of my manic episodes of conspiracy fear, but to be honest had I done so I don't really think google searches for "WILL BARACK OBAMA AND THE ROYAL FAMILY GIVE EACH LIZARD BLOWJOBS AFTER I AM DEAD??" would have proved conclusive. The same is almost always the case with conspiracy theories.
Try googling "ALL CATS ARE AN EXTENSION OF GEORGE GALLOWAY'S MIND AND WHEN YOU PET YOUR CAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY SEXUALLY PLEASURING HIM" and find out if it's true or not. You can't, because I just made it up (hopefully), and because there's no way of proving it. Even if George Galloway came out and said it, we would still never know for sure. I'm not saying that means conspiracy theories are all made up, what I'm saying is sometimes it's hard to tell, and it's hard to blame a brotha for being caught slippin' once in a while. Also I'm pretty sure Nelson Mandela was into a lot of the same conspiracy theories as me, which sort of tells you that me and him were on kind of on the same level in a way, but he's dead now so there is no way of finding out if this is true or not.
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| Think of this next time you touch your little puss. |
Anyway, I have a new conspiracy theory now. For a long time I've been pretty obsessed with the FIFA games, I'd never really been into playing them online, and then recently I discovered Ultimate Team. My life was promptly put on hold and I started to became more and more like a living human fart. I've never been so obsessed with a game. I loved my team (Crisbz FC, the greatest football club in the world) like they were my family. In fact I loved them a lot more than my family. Together we won a lot of trophies in a very short period of time. Things were good, I was unbeatable.
The thing is though, when I started to lose, I didn't just lose a bit, I started losing hard. Hard like George Galloway's cock when you tickle behind your cats ears. I couldn't understand how I kept losing, I kept coming up with different reasons; I was too stoned, or I hadn't eaten enough that day, or it was lagging too much for me to play properly.
I started becoming even more suspicious and angry after one particularly bad game in which I was beaten by somebody who not only was clearly a much worse player than me, but who also had entered the game with a much worse team, and one whose average player stamina was about 40%, compared to mine who were all more or less on 100%. (For those that don't play FIFA, that makes a big difference.) Anyway, despite being completely nackered, his players were for the most part able to outrun mine and outshoot them. He had a few shots on target that all went in, I had about 20 that all either rocketed off the post or were saved by his suddenly world-class goalkeeper.
After this match I realised something was wrong. Almost every single time the ball was deflected or I made a tackle, it ended up landing perfectly at the feet of one of his in-space players. "THIS GAME IS RIGGED.", I kept yelling, completely aware of what a prick I sounded. "IT'S DEFINITELY RIGGED AND THEY WANT ME TO LOSE." By the time the final whistle went I was making what I can only imagine was a very similar face to the one made by the one of the vultures in the Jungle Book during the ending, where Shere Khan forces them to watch as he covers himself in mud violently sodomizes Mowgli for 10 minutes (pretty sure that happens, haven't seen Jungle Book in a while). It was a look of sheer disgust and outrage. How could they have done this to me? To my boys? To Crisbz? It was wrong and I would not stand for it.
A google search for "FIFA 13 Ultimate Team is RIGGED???" proved a little more successful than the lizard blowjob one (I tried it, nothing useful, just a bunch of boring factual stuff). There are a huge number of people that believe it to be a rigged, or "scripted" game. We're possibly all fairly bitter, and maybe somewhat in denial about our own abilities at FIFA and life in general, but the fact still stands that lots of people have noticed the same things. Players suddenly playing like shit, not being able to run, ball magnetism (pyramids???), losing against very poor teams, or just games seeming somehow pre-determined one way or another.
Given my track record with conspiracy theories, I'm aware that I should always proceed carefully and question these things, but after having researched it fairly thoroughly and thought about it a lot, I can say, with a great deal of confidence that FIFA scripting is definitely real. It's not really a question of if it exists or not, it's just a question of how it exists, and to what extent.
The game is free to play but you can buy FIFA points that will let you buy more players. The idea is that the game is scripted to throw games to weaker players (often children with no sense of what is and isn't worth spending money on, and access to their parents credit cards), so that they don't quit the game after being thrashed in every one of their first 10 games. Another theory is that after you've established yourself and become addicted, the game gradually gets more and more difficult so that you end up being tempted into buying FIFA points to get back to where you were. This seems plausible, I'm normally pretty uptight when it comes to paying for additional content on games, but until this whole scripting revelation came out I was seriously considering investing real life money (of which I have none) into my team to make us contenders again. At this point the game probably would have given me win after win, in order to encourage my recent spending. I'm sure EA Sports are pretty up on people's reward systems and what makes people do certain things.
I've never really been politically active, or as into "social justice" as I probably should be. Being apathetic is as much an excuse as it is a reality for me. I find it extremely difficult to care because there's just too much stuff, and also because mostly I just don't care. I think this is the case for a lot of people, and as a result we tend to only really care about things that in some way relate to us. I've never been on a protest, but if crisps and wanking were made illegal I'd probably be out marching with banners and face paint and everything. I say this by way of explaining that the only goings on in the world in the past few years that have really genuinely riled me up have been this FIFA thing and being arrested for weed. That probably tells you quite a lot about where I'm at right now.
Being a complete manchild, I found the whole thing pretty hard to deal with. I'd been obsessed with Crisbz. As cliched and self-pitying as it sounds, it was at that point pretty much my only form of escape from real life and my mountain of anxieties. Had I really been living a lie all this time? What about my wins? Were those real??? Was anything real? What if real life had scripting too? Maybe that's why sometimes taking a shit feels nice and sometimes it's horrible and scary. What was anger and fear soon turned into depression and acceptance. I became, in my mind, like the Bodie Broadus of FIFA, more specifically when he talks to McNulty at the park. I'm like Bodie in this scene in a number of ways, first of all because we are both extremely streetwise and well dressed, but also because we've both become disillusioned with our respective worlds and feel like things are unfair.
I still play Ultimate Team, but not as much. I certainly don't invest anywhere near the same level of emotion into it, which is probably a good thing. Things have changed for me now, I've started thinking about politics more. I hope to one day become President of the New World Order so that I can ban FIFA scripting, using FEMA as my personal army. I would also legalize weed and probably make some kind of free handjobs rule at doctor's offices.
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