Tuesday 22 April 2014

Masterchef


Who do these fat ugly fools think they are? Hosting a fucking cookery competition... Jesus fucking Christ. What the bloody fuck is this world coming to?

I DON'T WANT THIS SHOW. I CAN'T AFFORD TO EAT THE WINNER'S COOKING. I WANT TO EAT THE WINNER'S COOKING. I WANT THE WINNER TO COOK FOR ME EVERY DAY. I WANT TO EAT MY WAY TO A PAY PACKET. I WANT THE MONEY TO GET FAT AND TASTE THE WINNER'S COOKING.

How dare those clowns act like they're the WORLD EXPERTS ON FOOD? They're not the world experts on food, that's not even a real thing. I hate the way they rate the foods. It's like they're tasting things for me and telling me what to think and feel. I'm sat there trying to watch, and he's got all these opinions on the food. Hold your fucking horses you fat ugly cunt, I haven't fucking tasted it yet, have I? I'm probably not going to either because you aren't sharing. You're just stuffing it all in your big fat gob so that you can judge the cookery competition. WHO'S TO SAY YOUR TASTE IS THE SAME AS MINE? I MIGHT NOT HAVE LIKED IT, YOU DICK. OH SO IT WAS DELICIOUS? WELL THE ONLY TWO THINGS I LIKE ARE BISCUITS AND HAM, SO FUCK OFF. YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF MY TASTEBUDS.

A plate of food should NEVER look like something else. IF I'M EATING HAM I WANT TO KNOW THAT I'M EATING HAM. I don't want it to look like a plate full of snot, that's not appetising at all. It has to be appetising and it has to be ham. Also I have to taste it. You can't taste it and show me you tasting it and not let me taste it, that's not fair. I have to taste it.

WHAT IF YOUR TASTE ISN'T THE SAME AS MINE? JUST BECAUSE YOU SAY IT'S NICE, THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NICE. IT DOESN'T LOOK APPETISING AT ALL. WHO'S TO SAY YOU ARE THE WORLD EXPERT ON FOOD?

Show me something authentic that I can afford. Show me a 10 minute video of me eating a ham sandwich really slowly and without judgement. Show me an endless loop of me taking a bite of a biscuit and saying "It's not for everyone!"

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